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Lock down buddies day 3

Exciting news people, I caught a catfish today. (person using a fake profile/not what they look like). He was attractive, liked poetry and a variety of books. Ok so we get chatting, hmm….he doesn’t actually want to talk about books and poetry this guy..after a few minutes he asked me for a picture of my feet. I said if he sent me a picture of him standing with a clock behind him or a watch i would consider it. He proceeded to say, he can’t do that right now because he’s not near a clock or watch, he would do it this afternoon (it was 6pm, im pretty sure the afternoon is now over), i then said that perhaps the guy who’s photo’s he’s using doesn’t have a photo like that no? he then just said “Sh*t” and proceeded to block me. Small victory but so so glorious.


The Candidates

Age: 35

What did they say on their profile: Nothing

Honest description of the quarantine buddy:  He is not in shape, you can tell he really likes drugs and alcohol by the fact his teeth and hands are yellow, his eyes are bright red and another small detail…his  T shirt is entirely ripped open to reveal his pimpley chest and sweaty body. The image is also out of focus and he’s dancing 

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? Have nightmares and never go to sleep

E: I cant D, Im hyperventilating with hysterics. How in his right mind did he think that would ever be a good dating picture.


Age: 30

What did they say on their profile: I’m a fast learner D: I have nothing to teach him, what does he want to learn?! E: it’s not your turn D

Honest description of the quarantine buddy: If Chewbacca exploded into your house, grabbed a razor but exerted too much energy and gave up. The picture is also with his phone resting on his chest to give that well known sexy pose, the thumb.

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? I’d apparently have to teach him something…maybe how not to clog the drain.

D: I F**king can’t. I’m dying over here


Age: 36

What did they say on their profile: Nothing

Honest description of the quarantine buddy: ok, this is actually sad, I feel for him but wanted to show it. He’s a big boy, but instead of just being him he’s put on a big hoodie and a large piece of cardboard under it so you can’t see his body at all. ( you can see this in the photo)

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? Tips on self esteem. Poor guy

E: This is one of the most heartbreaking things ever. Let’s leave this one D


Age: ??

What did they say on their profile: Looking for a partner in crime

Honest description of the quarantine buddy:  He’s a young man who is slender, he’s on the beach. He’s got a very nasty sun burn, and whats that? His extremely pale ass crack not just peaking, but staring you in the face.

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? Id probably be applying lotion all day while wearing sunglasses to avoid the glare from his ass

D: he looks like that cake…you know the one. Has Marzipan in it E: Battenberg D: That’s the one!


Age: 35

What did they say on their profile: Nothing

Honest description of the quarantine buddy:  He looks like he’s put his lips in a vaccum cleaner. He’s trying too hard to be sexy, he also has the thumb angle going on. Also there’s a huge damp patch on the ceiling above him.

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? Investigate the damp patch and use his mouth to take care of any crumbs.

E: Imagine where else that hoover’s been, just think of the state of his


Age: 35

What did they say on their profile: Nothing

Honest description of the quarantine buddy: Ok so this guy is posing on his girlfriend’s bed, completely naked but with his thigh covering his bits. How do we know it’s his girlfriend’s? Because there’s a large selection of her clothes on a chair in the background.

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? That would be super awkward, he obviously has a girlfriend/partner/wife/ blow up doll.

D: Why is there a huge net around the bed?! surely its supposed to keep creepers out the bed….


E: You’re better than that…up your game


We picked the winner tonight and decided the guy who is clearly buzzed and off his face (candidate 1) was the winner.

Comments from Mum: Stand Away young one…go no further.

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Lock down buddies day 2

Hey All,

Thank you for all your messages, we have a winner from yesterday. The guy with the gerbil tanks.

Someone who seemed relatively normal today asked me to “send me a picture of your tits?” With poetry like that who need Keats, and who am i to say no? Please see imagine below of my tits. He didn’t like my tits and proceeded to unmatch me….pity. It hurt my fragile feelings and i stared out the window for an hour while being sombre and pressing my hand against the pane.

Great tits

Tonight’s candidates

Age: 28

What did they say on their profile: Nothing

Honest description of the quarantine buddy:  This gent has a fake Prada backpack, fake Prada overnight bag hanging off his neck, his phone is pressed to his ear and has a fake Prada case on the phone. He wants you to know he has money, he’s got loads of cash in his pockets, no doubt it all has traces of cocaine on it and automatically curls.

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? Sit and await the police smashing in the front door to proceed with their search and raid of the property.

D: ahahahahahahahahaha you have got to be kidding me, you love the multiple bag ones. Looking like he’s going for a luxury hike

E: No one looks sexy wearing a collection of bags!


Age: ??

What did they say on their profile: Hello There

Honest description of the quarantine buddy: Its an interesting angle to take a photo at, it looks as if he is all forehead if i’m honest. Like a scary night time caller

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? Go to the room the photo was taken in and see if it actually is the lighting

E: its not so much the angle, its the psycho eyes I’m concerned about.


Age: 28

What did they say on their profile: Come lock down with me

Honest description of the quarantine buddy:  In this photo, and i kid you not, he is holding the largest piece of Marijuana i have ever seen. Its like something out of Day of the Triffids. He is not smart! He even states his EXACT location and has another photo of himself high as a kite.

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? I can guarantee i would be second hand high (don’t like drugs by the way) and probably not know where the hell i was.

D: I think he’s waiting for a sexy police woman to come arrest him. Someone will probably actually meet up with him, gotta risk it for that biscuit!


Age: 39

What did they say on their profile: All the exercise all the time

Honest description of the quarantine buddy: This guy…He clearly thought, everyone posts a shirtless photo, i may as well do the same. He is slightly leaning away and at a jaunty angle but also looks like hes been drinking all day and holding himself up with the TV 

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? I firstly wonder if the floorboards are level and i imagine we would be drunk all the time.

E:(Puts on Drunken Blokey voice) Yea, yea, you want somma that do you, come at me yea!


Age: 29

What did they say on their profile: Nothing

Honest description of the quarantine buddy: I’ll sum this up quick, It’s big pimping time. Fur Coat, Fluffy dog resting on the bonnet of a porsche, happens to be outside The Ivy. Its staged, but you know that’s definitely what all women want isnt it?! Phwoar

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? Live and absolute life of luxury by the looks of things, I’m going to be made! Fake breasts, teeth, nose, eyes, retinas, toes, all of it will be fake in my new life.

D: Is that a real dog?! it looks horrified, also i think that’s a woman’s fur coat, he looks like Flava Flav on a rough day


Age: 32

What did they say on their profile: Nothing

Honest description of the quarantine buddy:  Do you think he is 32! He looks like our winner yesterday’s brother. He’s definitely in his late 40’s (actually does not look 32) Hello ladies, i know what women want, a picture of me in my jimmy jams with my heavily stained dressing gown.

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? We are having a Pyjama Party by the looks of things. Me and XXXX are gonna drink tea on the sofa and spill it over ourselves all day everyday like a form of foreplay

E: I’ll bet if you took that dressing gown off him it would be like cardboard and shatter like a lasagna sheet


We asked my mum to pick our winner tonight:

M: Holy shit… just oh dear…I think they are all just…i understand why you’re both single…hmmmmmm i’ll go for the guy with all the bags, hes definitely shady, probably a drug dealer. Why does he have a picture of him looking away on the phone? you would want someone to see your face wouldn’t you?



Yes mum…yes you would

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Lock down buddies day 1

My Candidates will be in black, D’s will be in blue

Drinking: Heineken- its all the shops had

Pale Ale- Levitate

The candidates

Age: 31

What did they say on their profile: Will you be my Quarantine?

Honest description of the quarantine buddy: One large eyebrow that spans the entire length of his forehead, and stretching back to his ears (I’m only guessing on that one). He also has his pet tortoise with him. Now if you look closely at said tortoise you can see the horror in his tiny eyes. He’s seen things that tortoise…poor poor tortoise

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? Make a swift grab for the tortoise and try to get in it’s tiny shell too, me and Timmy will have a lockdown the hell away from XXXXX

D: we liked the tortoise, he had high hopes

Age: 38

What did they say on their profile: It could have been in a library, in a pub, in an intense look it goes to your retina. And you decide in a second our destiny

Honest description of the quarantine buddy: Bless his little cottons, its cute but its also gag worthy. Like a greasy Jesus but less sophisticated

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? Hide in their cupboard

E: I think he’s an acquired taste…………. Like the smell of a petrol garage


Age: 30

What did they say on their profile: Lockdown Buddies Anyone?

Honest description of the quarantine buddy: This kindly Sir is wearing a double backpack, one front and one on the back, plus baseball cap. Fine if your camping or trekking……he’s in a park. Perhaps this gent lives in the park and isn’t asking you to go over, but can he come to you?

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? You mean if he’s locked in mine? I think I’d run out the front door and beg the police to arrest me, hand in my tenants notice from the prison and change my name by deedpoll.

D: Yeah, its not right, he looks like that movie…never ending story!

Age: 35

What did they say on their profile: I Look Young for my age

Honest description of the quarantine buddy: He looks like he super glued a beard to his face and you can see he has too. (image) I feel for him, but its just sad (he actually had…pretty sure he’s 16….cringe)

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? Tell him its a good effort but poor poor boy

E: poor guy……..lets leave this one, or he can leave it when it sheds….

Age: 32

What did they say on their profile: Do you like prunes?

Honest description of the quarantine buddy: I think this guy is pretty consistent judging by the prune comment, and I’m guessing he stockpiled a load of them too. In terms of looks, not bad, but I’m guessing the suit was worn once and had to go in the bin due to said prune intake.

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? Open all the windows, not light candles, turn on the lights or anything else that could result in a combustion.

D: Are you F~**ing sh^^ing me? who would write that as a lockdown method?!!! he would have no toilet roll!


What did they say on their profile:  Bus Driver……nothing else

Honest description of the quarantine buddy: He’s a bigger boy, but thats not the issue, its the collection of gerbil tanks in the background, what is he doing with that many gerbils?! ( I Agreed, conversation resumes after 5 minutes of hysterics)

What you going to do if you get trapped in their House? feed the animals and hope they dont eat me if i die there…but he does drive a bus

E: i hope he doesnt drive my bus.. D He actually could…im pleased i walk to work!!!!


Vote on your favourite!

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Dating…quarantine and chill???

Hi All,

My blog is going to change theme for a few weeks as we are starting to lockdown and I can’t really get out…agghhh!!!

A friend and I downloaded dating apps in hopes of finding people who would want to maybe chat, get to know us, then when this ends meet up…unfortunately that doesn’t appear to be the case, and most people are seeing this as a great opportunity to get a stranger over to their house and ‘quarantine and chill’. We aren’t standing for this stupidity but it doesn’t mean we can’t entertain ourselves.

Each day we are sending our top 3 ‘quarantine and chillers’ to eachother at 8pm (uk) and having a discussion about who was the sleeziest, creepiest, and down right deluded.

Each day I will provide you with a comical run down of our picks and who the winner of the day was. No photos or names will be posted!

Tune in later about 9pm (uk) for the first episode of Quarantine and Stay the Hell Away from Me

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The world went for food, I opted for

A kettle bell and a yoga strap

Should my gym close I thought hmmmm, I wouldn’t want to get fat again and sluggish. So I have purchased a kettle bell and a yoga strap.

My personal goal for this period of lockdown is to work out to the absolute max and emerge as a toned and svelte goddess. I’ve got the hair, and now I just need to make that final push to tone up from my weight loss. This ladies and gentlemen will be glorious.


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Busy busy and some dogs

The last few weeks have been busy! Work has been incredibly hectic.

Last Wednesday we had doggy distress. Which was amazing. A little chihaua named Bea took a real liking to me. I’m normally a big dog person and really enjoyed the slobbery hugs from a staffy called Coach, but Bea  won my heart. I think it may have been her little fox-like tail.

Friday I was just so exhausted. I settled into bed with a curry and movie on my projector. I got the movie recommendation from a friend and watched John Wick….it was so goooood!


Saturday I went out for some drinks with Jess and had a beautiful walk around tower bridge. Such a pretty space especially when lit up at night. Saturday night was a quiet night in with another friend…well quiet except for the music playing and beer bottles and laughter ricochetting off the walls.

Along with trips to the gym, it’s been a standard week for me. But oh god…I am tired! Hurry along summer please!

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It’s not any of you…I just really love me

So I’ve been on a few dates now. Some have been out there…and I mean really out there. Others have been okay. But last night the strangest thing happened.

I was on a date, the guy was nice, funny, interesting and kind. We got on really well. But there was a moment after I talked about random hobbies and mishaps I’ve had through out the years that I realised something.

I love me. I love my past. I love who I am right now and I really love being on my own.

It’s not that I’m scared of rejection or getting hurt by another, I just really love me.

I take myself out of dinner, I take myself to gigs and the movies. I even sit in the pub with a book. I have a nice little life and do I want someone to share it with?

I don’t think I do. Not now anyway.

If off to a birthday party tonight which will be fun, only know the birthday girl but hey, I’ll make new friends and I’ll be with me!

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Happy New year

2019 had so many good bits in it, some truly amazing. But this has mainly been in the last 3 to 4 months if I’m honest.

I have put so much time and effort into myself and feel like I am now entering this year as a whole version of me. I didn’t do anything fancy last night, had a curry, a few drinks with a friend, lots of music playing and was in bed sober by 12.30. I took the time to be grateful to myself.

This year will be a happy one because I will ensure it.

The biggest resolution is to say yes to everything. Which I must admit it’s 13 hours into the new year and I’ve used it once when asked “30p extra for guacamole?” YES RUBY, PUT THAT ON MY BUN!

I’m going to get into some random situations aren’t i? Haha

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Happy Christmas for yesterday!

Hey guys. Happy Christmas for yesterday.

I got some really good gifts and a new Parker coat, just like my brother’s new dog I too now look like a lion.

It was a really relaxing day and for once I didn’t over eat, which is impressive for me as I usually have to quietly undo my trousers halfway through the meal.

Drinks… well me and my dad matched eachother drink for drink, even if that did mean drinking whiskey at 10am. My count for the day was…..2 whiskeys, 1 bottle of red, 1 large glass of dessert wine, 2 pints if beer, 1 shot of lemoncello and one hell of a heartburn by 8pm. I feel like I’ve nailed it. Was I pissed? Slightly but the only person who would have commented was also pissed and struggling to use the correct word in a sentence hence our new family phrase of “I’m not into all those wangy flavours”…what is a wangy flavour?! I think you meant to say wanky dad.

Well, hope you all had a great day. I’m going to do a new years post next, because I plan on spending the next few days drunk, stuffed and sampling lots of wangy delights!

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It’s Party time!

This week i have attended 2 Christmas parties.

The first one was at the massage place i go to. I arrived at around 7pm and was immediately given a hug by the manager and owner. She always has a chat with me about how things are and what i’ve got going on whenever i go in. It’s really nice to know that people remember you and care what you’ve been doing. I had a mini facial and nearly bought a load of lavender scent massage oil…until i realised i can’t massage myself and the likelihood of anyone being half dressed in my vicinity wont happen or would be filed in a police report. It was a really lovely evening and i got to talk to lots of different people.

The second party was the work xmas party. The dress i wore i bought when i was 18. I couldnt fit into it at the time, but still loved it and kept it. 10 years later and BAM! i can finally wear it. Thank god i’ve been hitting the gym hard because it is not forgiving. (and 2 of my colleagues had to help me do the zip up)

The evening was lovely, the food was really nice and the table i sat on was excellent company. Then came the dancing… Now i used to do burlesque dancing and really really enjoyed it. I stopped after a while because i wasnt in the right headspace at the time and felt really ashamed and like the odd one out. But! while dancing i declared to someone i know i dance routine to this song…Then proceeded to show her and incidentally the entire office my routine to Christina Aguilera Dirty….I didnt realise everyone would gather around and start cheering. I did nail it in all honesty and hadn’t had much to drink so it wasnt a car crash. Let’s see what the backlash of that is tomorrow!

I’ve spent the rest of the weekend with my work colleague and Friend Jess. It was really chilled and great to just hangout with my friend and not rush around being busy.

Lots of coffee dates coming up this week and i really need to work off the alcohol from Friday night. But mainly just enjoy the build up and final days of November!

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A weird and wonderful week

I have had an impromptu roast dinner on a Tuesday night with a friend and her boyfriend, drinks out with a friend on Thursday that was one of the most hilarious nights of my last few weeks. A datenight with a work colleague who got stood up last minute…nothing sexual just a lovely time with a friend

Lunch and computer games with my old housemates. I didn’t win any by the way.


Booked a trip to Edinburgh with a friend from uni…I think this has been a week of yes, yes I will come out, yes I will stay for one more, yes I will spend money on that trip.

Let’s all say yes, to alot more

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What a day part 2.

Oh dear, oh dear, not ideal. But so hilarious.

I may have gone too hard in the gym recently. I got on the running machine and was doing my thing, when…Oh god no..runners tummy! I tried to push through but ended up running to the loo.

Whilst there, two girls were taking mirror selfies “omg babe, you look well skinny in this one. Your hair is like…amazing” I SHOVED them out the way to get to the cubicle, threw myself down and left out a huge sigh of relief to try and cover the audio blanket of shrapnel. Thankfully they left and I snuck out the gym, past the really cute guy who I never speak to but smile at and straight home….Instagram…what a load of literal Shit

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Drawing a line in the sand

Im currently sat at my desk, eating my lunch. This week has been the most surreal and disappointing one so far.

Yesterday I was invited to go on a date. I got to the pub on time, and right place and messaged to say I was there. I sat with my pint and patiently waited.

After 20 minutes I pulled out my phone and video called an old friend, who kindly sat / laughed with me until I finished my pint. At this point I thought…bollocks to dating and relationships. Deleted all the apps, all the numbers I’ll never contact again, and booked a weekend away to Edinburgh.

I love me and although I do get lonely and want a companion to do things with, id rather do it with friends and on my own. Because at least I can ensure my own heart and pride remains in tacked.


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A gothic mess and a 1920s inspector

This week has been really really busy.

The Hot Chip concert was amazing! My friend came with me in the end and it was such a great evening. The band were incredible, the lights were out of this world and i had such an amazing time.

I went to the gym and yoga in the week which is getting easier and i’m able to do more each time, which i am LOVING!

On Thursday night i dressed up as my neighbour downstairs but with a hangover…She’s a goth. I Picked out my outfit- Wasn’t very hard to do as i’ve recently worn the outfit, but what was funny was that even with heavy black eye make up and smudged red lipstick i still looked like a sexy dominatrix- cough cough. I also realised that my black latex heels are only good for tottering around and kicking people with, as i skidded about in the pub garden.

The Guy from Reading didn’t come on Friday, which if i’m honest didn’t really bother me as i was a little bit hungover from the Thursday night, and had zero energy to be entertaining or anything other.

I had a murder mystery party last night, which was so so so much fun. My first character was killed within an hour, and i did such a great job of dying a nurse who was also at the party came over and put me in the recovery position (NAILED IT). ~My second character was Inspector Blewitt- I wore the most amazing high waisted trousers and trouser braces, painted on a beard and then it came to talking and….a northern female voice came out my mouth hahaha, just went with it anyway.

A few plans in place for next week but things can all change so let’s see where we go!

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Planting in the Rain

This week has been really good, I’ll start where i left off last week.

The night in Reading with the old acquaintance was really lovely. He was attractive before but my god time has treated him well! Even though i hoped he wouldn’t think its a date, he really did and i’m pleased he did too. He offered to pay for everything but me being me, i split the bill with him.

I went to buy a round of drinks and as i stood up i accidentally lodged my thigh between the cast metal table (very heavy) and the leg of my stool which was nailed to the floor- i physically could not lift the table. After laughing and explaining i was stuck he came round, looked at my jammed leg, laughed and picked the WHOLE table up- it made me feel funny. Anyway we are catching up next weekend which will be lovely- He’s driving across to me.

I’ve signed up to classes with my old Yoga teacher in the week, which was really really good. it was so lovely to see her happy face, and i realised how much i put to one side for the sake of my old relationship- i’ve promised myself that will never happen.

I’ve been to dinner with work colleagues in the week too, which has been expensive but such a nice treat. (I have eaten way way too many ribs and chicken!)

This morning i went to the Orchard- its been heavy rain all day but i really enjoyed being out with the trees. We planted bulbs for spring and counted different fungi species. It all sounds a bit nerdy but hey- it brings me happiness and that’s all the matters to me at the moment.

I’ve got a concert to go to tonight, and i’ll be going on my own, which i actually don’t mind as i’ve learnt that i’m really good at making new friends and being friendly.

I hope next week is as good as this one!

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I’m back

Sorry for the delay in my postings, things have been very crazy with my health, but I’m now back and building my little life back together. So what have i done since we last spoke?

I watched the most amazing orchestra a few weeks ago. The music was absolutely beautiful and helped me with the grieving process for loosing Dave. I think that initially after the break up i tried too hard to do too much and ended up in a worst place than i would have been if i’d just stayed at home and sobbed- that has come more recently than i’d like to admit.

I’ve been to a hot yoga class which was incredible, but OH MY GOD! it was so physically and mentally demanding than i thought. It starts off very chilled and dooable, but once the heat kicks in you loose all grip on your body and the matt…it’s like the whole world is falling away from you before slowly slipping into a delirium. The instructor was really nice though, especially when he noticed i was crying in downward dog…i told him it was sweat but we both know i was lying.

I have caught up with old friends in my home town who i haven’t seen in quite some time. They are both living such wonderful lives and i miss them very very much.

My boyfriend from when i was 19 has reached out to help me get through being physically and mentally ill. He’s now married and is just a great friend. The hours i have spent on the phone to him in the evenings just crying or asking him for advice. He also said that he still feels immense guilt for how he behaved all those years ago and feels that by being here to help now he can forgive himself- he doesn’t need to, i forgave him years ago.

I’ve managed to book some fun things into my diary over the next month like gigs, planting bulbs in the orchard, meals out with friends, more orchestras and i’ll be doing it all on my own which makes me happy, as i can’t be in a relationship for a very long time, or perhaps ever again. I imagine i’ll revisit that idea in the very very very far future.

Tonight i’m going for a drink in Reading to see an old friend….not seen them in a while and from what i remember they were really good looking. I don’t remember their personality just their heavily tattooed arms, so this will be interesting (or a giant flop.) It’s funny how some people crawl out of the woodwork when they realise you are single- but i hope he doesn’t think this is a date….PLEASE DON’T THINK THIS IS A DATE!!

Its a catch up- Thats all.


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Sleep, Gym, Perspective


I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt i was in my room and everything was normal, then strange blue Robot/ Gremlins started getting on to my bed coming for me. In my dream i was trying to kick them off of the bed, but in reality i was kicking my legs in the air frantically and shouting. Chris woke me up and was telling me it’s ok.

This is not my first night terror, although i am used to Dave waking me up and telling me its ok and then giving me a hug while i come round from the strange sleepy state- or waking up to him having a complete freak out as to why i’m screaming- Towards the end of the relationship Dave used to have night terrors, but mainly about me being a Harpee/Demon who would suck the life out of him….it’s just a dream….(and i enjoy eating people’s souls while they sleep)


Today was my first session back at the gym officially- i have lost half a stone from being ill and it certainly feels like it. I went yesterday but that was a walk on the running machine- today i tried my old routine. I am no where near where i used to be, but it’s good to start back again slowly so i can build up. The only thing i will not be able to do for a while is anything with a kettle bell. I tried to do the kettle bell squats today, did 5 and thought my heart was going to explode over the lady next to me. Still its a good start and it felt good to get back out again.


I messaged my friend who is visiting his parents in Spain. Unfortunately their house has been caught in the flooding and they had to be evacuated in the middle of the night by the army. I cannot imagine how stressful or scary that situation must be, nor do i ever want to experience it. I feel like i’m gaining a lot of perspective on life at the moment, and it’s making me think about how quickly things can change. I feel like i need to re-evaluate a few things in my life at the moment and what i can do to ensure that however long or short life may be, i am happy throughout that time.

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The end of an Era

This post is a little different to what i usually blog, but it needs to be written down.

Today i finally quit smoking. I’ve smoked for 10 years and can honestly say i have enjoyed every minute of it…Not the correct thing to say but it certainly is the most honest thing to say. I have met lots of people from standing outside clubs, pubs and restaurants and for that i am grateful, but it has ruined my health. If i don’t stop now i’ll be counting down the time until my lungs finally have enough of me and decide to book a one way ticket for a holiday.

So in memorandum of my smoking days i’ve compiled a list of questions i’ve been asked about smoking and the honest answers i should have said.

  • Q:You know it will kill you don’t you? A: Yes i do know thank you, and if death would take me away from this conversation, then i welcome it!
  • Q: It makes your hair greasy, do you want greasy hair? A: Washing your hair too regularly also damages your hair, so i’ll take the grease thank you.
  • Q: It can make you smell..you know…down there. A: And as a non smoker what’s your excuse? also why is my genitals any of your concern?!
  • Q:If you stop smoking you’ll save so much money: A: yes that’s true but if i also stop buying food shopping that’ll do the trick too! – Mum yes i am eating properly before you ask.
  • Q: It really damages your teeth: A: yes, but opening a bottle of beer with your teeth does the same thing and i used to do that too.
  • Q: Do you smoke to loose weight? A: No, i go to the gym and eat properly for that (although, not at the moment as i’m not allowed to yet)


  • Q: why are you quitting now?
  • A: Because i am still young and have ruined my lungs enough already. I don’t want to die before my parents, i don’t want to have to plan for a funeral or have to push around an oxygen mask until i die. I don’t want to have a heart attack while i’m in the gym and get flung off the back of a treadmill into a anxious lady doing lunges with her personal trainer.

Anyway, this will be interesting….the nurse said i may waiver and smoke in the early stages but to just do it, then carry on with the gum, patches (which im already allergic to) and Vape… i hope to go to the gym tomorrow for a gentle walk/jog on the running machine.


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Its been a bad day today. Alot of confusing and scary things are happening all in one go. I feel like the world is moving around me and i’m being held in one place by glue.


I spent alot of time yesterday on the phone to Sophia, who is a good friend of mine. She knows everything that’s going on at the moment in my life and is very supportive of me. I’ve spent alot of time today thinking about all my friends and how they are so good to me. I know that when things are scary or tense they still stand by me and help me move forward. I think that without them i would be very lost right now, well…. even more lost than i already feel.


In total so far, i have slept for 5 hours throughout the day. I know sleep helps you get better, but i feel im sleeping to avoid the reality of everything right now. I woke up this morning and forgot what had happened yesterday, the harsh reality quickly hit and i felt scared and alone. I’ve started sleeping with a teddy bear again, he’s called Harold and likes fine wines and cigars. He also drinks way too much coffee. Although Harold is quite the catch, i really miss Dave. I miss the big warm cuddles that Dave gives, and how i used to wake up and wiggle closer to him. I miss how 1 hug from Dave could take so much stress and sadness away.



My brother is moving in with me tonight (temporarily). I’m really looking forward to it as a welcome distraction. Chris is great company, tidy and gives a good hug. Although my flat is not big it’s nice when Chris comes, he normally deep cleans everything regularly and is a really good cook. I know he will take care of me for a few weeks and my god i could really do with some support!

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Bedsheets, Window, Waiting

I’ve been pretty ill recently and wont be able to go to the gym at the moment until i’m better. I’m also off work which is frustrating as i need it to distract me from everything…i need both the gym and work to distract me from everything that’s going wrong.


As i previously said i’ve been pretty ill recently, probably more so than i realised or allowed my body to feel. I woke up this morning to sick over my bedsheets, it must have happened while i was asleep, which is pretty scary and terrifying. I couldn’t sort the situation out immediately as i had to go to the hospital for blood tests. I jumped in the shower, got dressed and quickly left.

When i got back to my flat i had to strip the bed and put everything in the washing machine. I felt incredibly sad and longed for someone to come and help me. I longed for Dave to come and help me.


Because of my night time sickly activities, i’ve had to open all the windows of my flat. The one in the bedroom got caught by the wind and blew fully open. Now i am not a tall person, and as i’m so achy at the moment i knew i probably wouldnt be able to pull it closed again without a) falling out the window or b) doing my body even more damage. I panicked and wished Dave were there to help me close it, i even thought about messaging him to explain what has happened and if he could come help me. Instead i sat and cried, i really miss him today. No, be brave and think…i know i’ll make a lasso out of a scarf and hook it onto the window! I had made my lasso and proceeded to spend 15 minutes trying to wrangle one of the handles. I managed to do it! Small success for me!



I feel like today has been filled with waiting. Waiting for answers, waiting for better health, and waiting for when enough time has passed that i can make a decision on what i want from the future.


I hope tomorrow is more fulfilling and i’m moving into a better state

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Lunchtime, Expiry, Aisle

Today was so hard!! I felt tired and run down all day. It’s a really busy time at work with lots of short tempers and demanding behaviours, in a sentence, not ideal for a heartbroken individual.  It does provide a great distraction though and i have some great friends there who take care of me when i struggle.


I was too busy for lunch today, lots of people to meet and lots of tasks to complete. I had forgotten to put my yogurt and left over courgette in the fridge when i got in at 8:30am, so by the time 2.15pm came around it looked pretty pathetic at my desk. I didnt even reheat the courgette as it would take up valuable eating time. Out of nowhere i thought about the evening me and Dave spent in bed watching a black and white movie. It was raining outside and the boiler was broken, so we huddled in the bed for warmth. I felt myself getting teary and went outside for some fresh air- leaving the courgette mush and luke warm yogurt. It was the first time since the split i have had a random memory pop into my head. I know they will continue to surface over the next few weeks and catch me off guard, but i just have to acknowledge them and appreciate the special memory for what they are.


The afternoon had the same rush as the morning and i felt like i was in my own little world most of the time, very focus and machine like…i feel like i am becoming a bit machine like at the moment in all aspects of my life. I was snapped out of the zone by a colleague, Jess, who popped her head over her computer and announced that her chocolate bar sums up her feelings about the day and life.-she proceeded with the events- To get a break herself, Jess had popped to the vending machine a few floors down to buy a chocolate bar. She was excited to have that break, and delicious chocolate, until she checked the back of the packet and noticed the bar had expired. It was 4/5 months over its expiration date and upon opening was white. It was one of few things that made me laugh today. (In solidarity not spite)



I went into the shops after work to grab something quick to eat as i have zero energy to cook tonight. The shop is the biggest food shop near, which means that Dave shops their too. My game plan for the evening was to go in, grab whatever i was going to eat quickly and look down at the floor incase he was there. I turned an aisle and saw someone who looked just like the back of Dave but shorter. I just stared at this person for a good few minutes, both eyes and mouth open and teary, (my eyes, not my mouth). I realised it wasn’t him when he turned around and was about 20 years older than Dave, but that feeling of loss and wanting was just so much i couldn’t move my legs. Day three has been a hard day.

Tomorrow i’ll be back at the gym.

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Zumba, Volunteering, Courgette

Day two of learning how to be single.


I signed up to a Zumba class at lunch time. I used to do Zumba but slowly stopped going, so i thought, yeah, i’ll give it another go.

My physical fitness is terrible! Within 15 minutes i thought i was either doing to drop down dead on the floor or slip on my own sweat puddle and straight out the door. (That rhymes!) Its not that i’m uncoordinated, i can dance pretty well to be honest and have done a variety of classes- it was the speed at which the teacher went. One minute i was doing a samba step then grapevining to my left trying not to get hit by the enthusiastic lady next to me.

Half way through the class i just stopped and thought “i can’t do this!!! i can’t do any of this!! i have to go to my phone and text Dave!!”. It made me realise how long this process is going to take and that its going to take effort just like that Zumba class. I didn’t leave and even spoke to the teacher after the class…who approached me while i was in the changing room trying to get my sweaty underwear back on ( I had showered but forgot clean underwear). Perhaps i’ll go back for more of Yvonne’s Latin style torture next week.


After being Samba’d to breakpoint i went for a walk to a nearby village so i avoided going straight home. They were opening a new greenspace, and asking for volunteers to maybe help the maintenance and upkeep. I happily signed myself up to maybe help out at weekends- it’s not like i have any real commitments at the moment (except Yvonne with her loud voice and quick feet). I feel excited that i can help out with nature and my biggest love is being outside walking. But yet again i got a nagging feeling- “what if i sign up to this and Dave wants to make it work? i might not have the time? What if Dave is going to stumble across this and sign up too?! SHITTT!!!! ” Luckily for me i didn’t see his name on the sign up list, and if he does go he’ll see mine there first and can make a move from there on.

I walked home and felt a bit lost, i saw lots of young couples walking hand in hand through the village, then one couple even stopped infront of me for a big kiss and hug…perhaps i should have jumped inbetween to be part of it.

Courgette (Zucchini for non UK)

I recently inherited a home grown courgette. It’s about 10inches long and weighs the same as a small baby. I decided to hassleback the beast with garlic and cheese. The chopping went well and i didnt cut all the way through any of it, now time to oil it….oh bollocks…i have no oil, butter it is then.

It’s now cooked and out of the oven. It looks pretty tasty but tastes pretty bland. My first thought was “Dave would know how to add more flavour” and now i’m not sure whether i will eat it, but hey, it’s killed a few hours of my spare/ down time for today.


It’s Monday and back at work tomorrow, so i hope that keeps me busy and distracted.


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Heart Break, Heartache and Heart burn

So, today is the first day of trying to embrace being single… shit.

I haven’t started this blog as a piece of slander or to obtain pity, just to share my journey of moving forward through a difficult time I know that others too are facing.

Heart Break

After 2.5 years of a very happy relationship my partner (we will call him Dave) said he didn’t know if he wanted to continue the relationship. We discussed what had been going on and agreed to give it a try. The last few weeks have been wonderful, perhaps even the best so far, but…. he still said he wasn’t sure about us and i could see it was causing him turmoil, and myself too. So i made the decision for us both, to put us both out of the situation and chose to finish the relationship. I dropped his stuff off at his house and wrote him a letter to say that i loved him and always will, which is very much true. We still have each others numbers and love each other very much, but i suppose time will tell as to whether it could work.

And you know what, all articles, advice pages and blogs all just state on how important it is to invest in yourself. But what do i do in the down time?! what did you do agony aunt 53, when your cats had been fed and it was just you and all the bloody time in the world?!


The first thing i did this morning was go to the gym. Now i myself am not a gym person! I recently joined as I realised that when i sat down my stomach touched my pants….and i mean not the elastic part of the pants. I’m not very fit and will openly admit that i have all the gear but no idea when it comes to working out. Running shoes, yep, super top range yoga pants, yep, a selection of sports tops, yep, figured out how to use my card at the barrier….errrrrmmmmmmm yes? But hey, i’m going and trying my best to shift some weight and i do enjoy the endorphines afterwards, also more importantly i look good in the spandex.

Heart Burn

After the gym i came home, had a shower and ate the leftover curry i bought myself last night, yes that’s right i even microwaved the rice too. I love food and won’t shy away from eating food out of date, binge eating and continual snacking, but i do know how to cook and love cooking lots of healthy stuff.

Alcohol; yes love that too. waaayyyy too muuucchhh. So as my first rule to myself is to now go teetotal. That’s right zero alcohol for me (well, <0.5% to be exact as most non alcoholic beer is <0.5% now).

So what can you expect to come out of this blog? Its going to be a diary of sorts. I’ll be writing about what i have done in my day.

  • Different Non Alcoholic beverages i’ve drank and a photo of them
  • Progress (and lack of) on how i’m doing at the gym
  • Any restaurants i have been to and what i ate
  • what i filled my down time/ lots of free time doing
  • and most importantly whether my broken heart is healing.

That’s it for today but i’ll report back tomorrow on any adventures i undertake today